I am a 24 yrs old female…B.A.(economics honours)…

Joining services caught my attention when I was 6-7yrs old.. went with my father to hamirpur to supervise delivery personally of hepatitis b vaccines… there I for the 1st time saw an IAS officer… D.C.- anuradha verma… a lady of medium built very simple and low voice.. I thought she’s IPS officer’s wife but when she asked the 1st vaccine to be given to her as everyone was afraid it took to my fancy… the dream has still been with me… being from a family where girls are just born brought up and married, nobody could ever think of such a big dream… a dream that even the boys of business families like ours are not allowed to see…  

And that too being a girl no no…and that too being the elder of 2daughters.. kinda difficult u see…

There I was dreaming,breaming,living the dream and yes breaking everything that came in between every traditional approach…every traditional zone reserved for boys..

And then I did my graduation and was asked to prepare, but I wanted to wait for the right time when I would just clear it in one go in one phase in one attempt..but you see man proposes good disposes… I came to Delhi… took admission in my coveted institute… started classes and the fear started the negativity that not a lot of people do it in one attempt started and there started my journey from 1st to last bench and vice versa…you see people say a lot of things…your seniors your teachers even if u DNT want to get affected … you do… it happens… the atmosphere around is like that… you tend to get caught in the web of the fear spider of the confusion spider of the uncertainty of upsc exam spider… it happens… the whole point is that do you have people who can revive you from this… and more than people do you yourself have the inner strength to revive your own self… because the more you try the more it will pull you and the more effort you’ll have to put…

I got caught in it… tried a lot to revive but before I could revive fully fate had someone and something else planned…

I don’t know where to start but there are somethings I need to clarify

1- not writing for sympathy..learn from my mistake if u want

2- try & help people and not behave like crabs.. karma​ as a rule remember

Alright… we are taught not to get involved and practice pure penance or tapasya but even the best of control can be lost within minutes so.. try and not being close to anyone otherwise u’ll get dependent… you see for it’s said even an ant can kill an elephant…. To be melodramatic “ 1 machar admi ko hijda bana deta hai”.. so same ways 1 feelings ka hijack bande ki le leti Hai… plz DNT mind the language… but after losing my mental, emotional and physical endurance to nonsense I’ll just suggest that don’t just let anyone get to you… to become your knight in shining armor because you never know when the knight may turn into assassin…

so cutting it short… I got into this emotional melodrama of being in a relationship 3 months before my prelims… tried everything to run away…I ignored him .. asked him to be friends… tried changing my seat in library… but you see when you get accustomed to those 2 eyes looking for you… at you… and explaining you every new thing they rediscovered in bipin Chandra or mailing you that insights compilation or solving vision test series with you… you kinda tend to slip… as of me….. NVR looked at any man with those eyes..had a lot of male friends but everyone knew can’t approach this female. she’s​ married to UPSC… but you see extramarital affairs turn to be hazardous and this one has cost me mine 1st attempt, my patience, my trust on males and moreover inability to see someone in same light again at least not easily…

Pepper Spray with LED Torch for Night use

As of situations they were bad…broke my ankle twice …lived alone… best friend for 19yrs ditched me over nothing…and roommate left me for that boyfriend who left her…. So DNT ever consider things are easy you have to deal with everything…. The love the hatred the definition of being used or as we call utilised will change with every new addition of events in life..

my attempts to placate the person through the doses of laughter when other person is upset on not clearing the 1st attempt mains… the Gyan you give on being optimistic and in process lose yourself… because people take what they like and when you want something they are just busy… I never asked my man for anything no gifts..no..money..no outings..just one thing time that too maybe 1hr don’t know whether it was too much…

So it was the second time I fractured my ankle after exact 1 ½ months of the 1st one. same ankle same place and then 2nd plaster… and then of course your this new addition is irritating you because you see there are conditions that either you talk when you come in relationship or you don’t talk… I mean what kind of thing is this… does ever UPSC ask that you only be sophisticated then only I’ll call you for interview…nai na… to fir yr life mein Kyu yeh conditions and if and buts… so I got my ankle re-rapped or you say resupported and was in full anger mode…. That today I’ll just clean this mess up and move on with my life fulfill my dream and go on and forget everything… so in full mode I called him and asked him to return the favourite book mark of mine which I left in the dearest of all bipin chandra… this bipin Chandra book is a villain I tell you for me at least… Na samjh m ati thi aur to aur yeh bipin Chandra blue cover it got me into that stupid phase when the person sat on his knees pledged on his dream of being an IAS asked me out… I mean kind of funny but yes….that made me melt…

SPOILER ALERT– bhaiyo aur behno, Na bilkul bhi nahi, agr aap apne sapne se pyaar krte ho aur Kasam wasam melodrama mein believe krte ho to yeh log bade tez Hai bhailog…

Well this lead to one thing to another the caring for broken foot and the hug and the meltdown…

Everything went well for 2days and then I was unwell.. couldn’t sit for long so I had to go home.. I informed him that I need rest he asked me to rest at his place as it was near the library… mine was far…after a lot of discussion I agreed… it was all fine.. I was fed taken care of but things did turn intense….there I was 2 months away from prelims with a broken ankle, a unfinished vision test series, no idea of environment with zero clue of how would I go for Shankar ias book..nitin singhania in front of my eyes…my parents face appearing before me… my own integrity… my best friends words…and more than that my inability to control my own emotions that I held dear  to me for bloody 24 yrs…

I did tell the man everything but you see the more weird thing was his words he said I NVR came in the relationship for all this… that day the person won more respect in my eyes…. But you see people don’t practice as they preach…. I had a mental break down when I came to my my place from a stone to a total sabotage…weird it may sound like.. but I sat under the tap for 2hrs…thinking what I did what Happened and why happened..  I was annoyed and angry at myself and the man for bringing me to that position…

Things got messier and I had to turn up home I couldn’t bring myself to the fact that I NVR even let anyone near in my whole college life because I was this too much into my upsc dream and stuff, the theatre, the arts, the academics, that NVR thought things would turn like this in my life… I started being a little afraid as I knew this is gonna turn up bad… my mind asked me again and again… and I ran away from the situation… from myself, from my feelings… I wanted to go away from the person so I could focus, so he could focus… so we could focus… but no u see human nature, it wouldn’t let you go…

i asked for leave but wasn’t given I asked to be left but wasn’t left… I asked to go but wasn’t being given farewell… the person turned me into this crazy idiot who would be given attention when liked and otherwise she would just be so annoyed that she’ll HV to shout every second day and call and shout… because it exhausted me…

Please don’t do that people its self destruction mode on… and rest everything off… it was as I thought…the phone calls decreased the late night conversations decreased… the test discussion decreased…the rediscovery in bipin Chandra or vision test series decreased… everything decreased and when I asked the answer I got is that I don’t have time…. Der I was wanting a closure… yes I was hurt but I wanted closure… people say ders supposed to be Grey’s between black And white…I lived in that grey but believe me it made things worse… I asked for attention.. didn’t receive..I met with an accident..the dearest Delhi traffic you see they won’t see if you have broken ankle or neck they’ll just go on hitting you with der car and go away… still I didn’t trouble the person and when told still just was asked to inform …. Fine tried that too…

the calls for interview came he wasn’t called… so you see here the pacifier was needed again… I was again contacted and the love dovey starts and me being me I wanted to calm him down so I said alright I’ll come to meet you… and I went even after so much bullshit and nonsense I went because I wanted to pacify the person..  and see it’s an old Proverb all that glitters is not good, so I was awaited but a harmonically charged up idiot who was angry as he didn’t get through the bloody mains…and his friends did….in fact his “followers” did…. So I sat der discussing Indian geography with him the newly distributed yellow book… and the person is not interested… we talked about prostitute’s there problems… the lack of awareness… the difficult lifestyle they have… the aids campaigns and the interview questions. Some words spoken to me that day took my peace of mind… they still HV taken it… they resonated in my ears when I sat for prelims…they go on in my brain…

so please people don’t ever try to be special to those stupid people… these events broke me and still the person. Didn’t seem to care…

I shifted back to my home town… couldn’t live in that place everything seemed to come on to me… the library the test series… the insight compilations… the storm economics books … everywhere scribbed discussions.. it hurted…

20 day down the line before prelims…. Sunday morning…9 am… I was reading our dear modern history…Trying not to think what I got through…studying and the phone rings and I didn’t pick.. it rang again and again and again till 5th time…it was him I didn’t know how to react… after 10 days being torn apart i was being called so I called back to see…. Well the person didn’t still realize I asked that do u know what you spoke… the person still saying it was a joke and we’ll clear it out you wait I’ll call you after breakfast…

7 hrs no cal.. 10 hrs..no cal..

I was irritated… I had to call him and seek my closure.. I still asked what do u want do u want that relationship or not? Still asked do u love me or not?

Still… but der came no reply… the reply was I just want to think about exam…

How difficult would it have been if the person would have just told that yes I love or no I don’t … still I was given reply that u HV felt before how I feel about you… and the phone was kept down…

See people my sincere advice 20 days before exam don’t even recognize yourself ….

And all this cling and asking and enquiry continued till 1week before the prelims.. it was more of one sided because you see he was my knight in shining armor… can’t get laxmikant..cl him… can’t get answer of insights cl him…

But all this it disturbed my peace of mind… my endurance.. my confidence.,..my self believe because every time it reminded me of self doubt..  of unpreparedness… of being incompatible…

I NVR realized that it was the man who irritated me beyond the scope that I turned up like that… I kept blaming myself for making his and mine life difficult without understanding had the other person wanted he would have even made things work….

So self guilt consumed me...it still is…. I lost 10 questions in prelims because I got scared… I marked 2 options out of which I had to choose…but in my mind I got so scared of being proven unworthy again and again that I lost my cool… I lost my patience… I lost my clarity… still der I was thinking ” tumse Na ho paega”…

Had those 10 questions been correct I would have made it to the list… those 10 questions are gonna cost me a lot…

Advice to people:-

1- DNT think if u HV NVR ever done anything wrong you won’t ever… time doesn’t allow anyone to escape

2- come out of the reformative ideology that I’ll change the person….you can’t…DNT even try

3- please read laxmikant and no need to ask anyone to explain you anything… if you can’t understand it once try again…again and again and if u want to ask ask someone anonymous….on maybe a group

4- if you’re​ living alone in the whole flat or planning to …DNT it’s a bug no no…tried and failed miserably..read above right

5- don’t be scared…  I lost because I got scared of things…I got scared that I’ll loose my dream… I got scared that my preparation was not enough… Ders no point

6- keep your head cool…DNT come too close to someone that they start affecting you if u are not sure that they’ll take the fall for you… DNT even trust your bst frnd in that mine friend of last 19yrs left me in a milisecond… so be brave to face odd things alone

As far as ending note I’ll just live to quote 2 lines from my favorite song

“ Hogi tujhe Jo rehmat at dhoop kategi saye tale… apni khuda seeHai yeh dua manjil laga le tukhko gale…”

And I’ll live to thank DNA who gave me strength to write all this…


If you have read till here, you have a compassionate heart, a willingness to listen to others’ pain, a desire to make this world a better place.

Click on the link below if you have an experience to share. If you want to be a savior in disguise.

https://goo.gl/forms/ROLS29AD2I5ntjwG3

Advertisements